Those Darn Plant Hormones
by ShadowSong StarGlaive The Wolf
Summary: Little Shop of Horrors. Semidrabble. Insanecrackfic. Audrey2xSeymour ....Audrey, how can you tell if someone likes you? As in, LIKES likes...
1. Um, what?

A/N This is the crackiest fic I have EVER written. Don't take anything seriously, and we'll just see how this goes.

And by the way, Audrey 2 is a hermaphrodite (as all plants are, despite his masculine ways and voice) so I have no idea how to label this fanfiction… is it het or slash? 0.o

Disclaimer: If I owned Audrey 2, many people would not be here today… they would be "helping the environment" if you know what I mean.

(Begin Story)

It was your average day at the Skid Row Flower shop. And what average day would be complete without the screams of…

"KRELBORN!" bellowed Mushnik from the back of the shop. "What's going on over there!"

"Nothing Mr. Mushnik!" squeaked Seymour as he nursed his finger. "Twoey, you're getting too aggressive…."

"Aggressive is what I do best, boy," purred the plant. "Want to see _how_ aggressive?"

Seymour leapt back, stumbling over some boxes. "WHAT?" yelled the botanist, backing up despite the rather solid plaster wall behind him. Slamming his hip against the counter, he yelped and slid against the wall, still in shock. "Did you just **say** that?"

"Seymour, what's going on?" worriedly questioned Audrey, pushing past the open door to the shop and coming into the corner of the shop where the plant was. Then she noticed the red trickle on his index finger. "You're bleeding!" Seymour noted that she hadn't heard him ask the plant a question, which was probably a good thing. He didn't need her to add schizophrenia to his list of problems.

"It's nothing," hastily said her co-worker, who was still shocked from the previous minute. Regressing back to childhood behavior, he began to suck on the wound, wide brown eyes boring into the plant, who looked so innocent with it's crimson thorns and gaping mouth.

"Alright then…" murmured Audrey, then noticed that the begonias were wilting. "Oops, better water those." She tripped over the boxes Seymour had knocked over and stumbled towards the watering cans.

Seymour nervously eyed his plant, slowly rising to help Audrey with her work.

(A few hours later)

"Closing time!" sang Audrey happily, skipping around the shop like a child in a candy shop.

"Sure is," agreed Seymour, and then heard a low moan from Audrey 2. "Oh no…"

"What is it?" anxiously asked the blonde, stepping over the fallen boxes from earlier. It didn't occur to anybody to pick them up and so they stayed there, most likely for the rest of the week until Seymour would somehow sweep them up.

"Nothing!" quickly answered Seymour, plastering a grin on his face that made him look a maniac. "Haha see I'm fiiiine!"

"Okay… well, I'll see you in the morning," frowned Audrey, and she stepped out of the shop, casting an odd glance behind her. When the door closed, Seymour whipped around and said, "No! I fed you this morning!"

"But I'm hungry!" whined Audrey 2, waving it's tentacles/vines/creepers about.

"Shut your trap or I'll do it for you," snapped Seymour, losing his patience.

"Oh you can shut my trap _any time you want_," said the plant slyly, a rather peculiar edge in it's voice.

Seymour blinked. "What?"

"You heard me, loverboy," cooed the plant. "Now feed me."

"I gotta go," hastily stammered Seymour, and ran out the door, tripping over the boxes. Was the plant _hitting _on him? He had to wonder that as he raced home, throwing freaked-out looks behind him.

(Early in the morning, before the shop is open)

"Okay, look, I bought you some fresh meat from Shmendrick's. Are you happy now?" growled Seymour, chucking a paper-wrapped package at the plant. "And no whining. I can't keep giving blood."

"What **else** can you give?"

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Seymour, whirling around from where he was bent (finally) picking up the boxes. "WHY do you keep doing that?"

"Cause boy, I can't explain it, but maybe it's _looooooove…_"

Seymour, for the second time that week, tripped over the boxes running out of the shop.

"Audrey!" cried Seymour happily, seeing her walk down the street to the shop. "I've got a question to ask you!"

"What is it, Seymour?" she asked warily, seeing a crazy look in his eyes.

"How you can you tell if someone likes you?"

"**Likes** likes?"

"**Likes **likes."

"Well..." nervously started Audrey, wondering if maybe he noticed how she was around him- no, he couldn't tell. Maybe she should lie. Yes, that was it. No, that would be mean. Best to do the truth. "They act really weird around you, and sometimes say stuff that hints at it."

"Like what?"

"Like... oh, you know. Suggestions."

"Wait! Let me write this down!"

"Seymour, who is it?"

"You're better off not knowing..."

(Inside the shop, listening to everything...)

"I love messing with these humans," happily hummed the plant inside the store as it tore the steak to shreds, crimson paper flying all over the shop. "Oh, pretty red dots on the floor…"

(End story)

A/N DON'T say I didn't warn you! I know this was badly written and random and weird but I needed to freak myself out today.


	2. Is this a date?

A/N Okay. Against what probably is sane thinking, I've decided to add to this story occasionally to see how far it will go.

Disclaimer: If I owned Little Shop, this would've happened in the story. But obviously… grr.

(Is This A Date?)

"Seymour, can you close up the shop?" pleaded Audrey when it neared dusk, the sun on the skyline of Skid Row fading like hope from a minimum-wage worker. "I've got a date with Orin tonight, and I need to freshen up before I see him. Please?"

"Sure Audrey," said Seymour, wrestling (and losing) with a rather large pot, shoving it back in the storage room. "Ouch!"

"What?"

"I cut my finger on a corner…" Several drops of blood littered the floor, looking rather like a Pollock painting. Hm, artistic and a botanist. What a catch.

Audrey grabbed some paper towels off the counter and ran over, wiping off the specks of maroon speedily, smearing it a bit. Seymour bent down to help, and for a second, their faces were incredibly close, and heat scarred his cheeks and she backed up. They scrubbed the floor hurriedly, then backed away.

"What was _that_?" smugly asked Audrey 2 as Seymour (with crimson streaks on his cheeks still).

"None of your business," snapped Seymour, whacking the broom harshly against the floor. Dust motes flew in the air and did a little dance to Audrey 2's humming.

"You like her, don't you?" teased the plant, flicking his tentacles in the air. "Why don't you _say_ something?"

"She's got a boyfriend," sighed Seymour, then slapped a hand over his mouth. Ack! Did he just half admit that he liked her- to his pet plant?

No, not pet. That was an endearing sort of term.

"Of course, but you know, I can fix that," slyly said Twoey, and he hinted by flicking a scrap of bloody paper from his last meal on the floor where Seymour was sweeping.

"_No_," savagely said Seymour. "I'm not a murderer!"

"A lover, not a fighter, huh?"

"Ew!" cringed Seymour, remembering his orphanage-day memories of hearing about the horrors of girls and -_ew. _"What's _with _you today?"

"You know, I've been wondering- you're not bad looking-" started off Twoey, but Seymour shot him a wide-eyed look that clearly said, "WTF?" "Hey, stating the facts- and you're not abusive, and not a pervert-"

"Yeah, there's only one of those in here-" shot back Seymour.

"-so it's not like it'd be bad to date you. I wouldn't mind."

If Seymour thought it was awkward when he and Audrey were scrubbing his blood off the floor, then he had another think coming.

"_What?_"

But then a customer came in, and Audrey 2 froze. After filling in the incredibly odd request for green and blue polka-dot orchids with silver glitter (Audrey was a whiz at dyeing flowers), he turned back to Audrey 2 and said, "Look, I don't get what that thing that last week, but this is **seriously**freaking me out! I- I'm-" he spluttering, trying to figure out how to say it. "I'm only into humans, okay!?"

Right then, the customer came back in, saying, "Hey, I forgot my receipt-" but caught the last part of the sentence.

"Um, here," muttered Seymour, shoving the strip of paper into the man's hands off the counter. "Uh, have a nice day… and all that."

The man scooted off with a wide, scared look in his eyes. "Yeah, okay, sure," he mumbled, scooted away, probably heading towards a city that didn't have freaks in it. (Ha. Good luck.)

"I gotta get outta here," groaned Seymour, and he grabbed the 'CLOSED' sign, smacked it on the door, and ran out of there.

Twoey looked on at the shaking door. "The boy's in denial," he finally consented, and promptly zoned out, dreaming of meat and sweet botanist blood.

(Later that night)

"I can't believe it…" groaned Seymour, walking into the shop around 8, holding a bag of meat and a sandwich in his hand. "Why does my roommate throw a party on the day I really need to stay home?"

"Gary doing his 'popular parties' again?" asked Audrey 2, who was in a good mood from earlier. Scaring customers and Seymour made him happy, and all the happier that now that his little brunette was here.

_Tonight is going to be fun_, mused the plant, _but only if it is orchestrated _perfectly.

"Do you want to eat with me? I have some… raw steak," frowned Seymour. Wow, he could have been asking out a girl, except for the raw steak part- ack, no! Stray away from those thoughts. "Actually, it's what's left over when the rich people take the steak, but I bought what I could."

"Are you asking me out on a date, Seymour? I don't have _anything_ to wear… but is that a problem?"

And that was when Seymour's hand slipped with the knife and slit his palm. Whirling his hand around, he gestured wildly, splattering blood everywhere. "I'M NOT LIKE THAT! I'M IN LOVE WITH AUDREY! I DO NOT FEEL ANY ATTRACTION FOR PLANTS!"

Suddenly, the door swung open and the same customer came in from before, saying, "Hey, it says here I get a free watering can with every dyed purchase-" but, again, only caught that last part. "Um, y'know what, I, like, uh, gonnagonow-" and ran out the door (sans the watering can, of course).

"I just- ARGHHHH!" screamed Seymour, and bolted out the door. (What a habit of doing so, that boy. Perhaps it should be looked into?)

"One day, you wait…" murmured the plant. "Hey, he took my dinner. But that's alright..." He wiped some of the blood off the floor and sucked on it. "Mmmm, sweet."

A/N You asked for it. Now tell me how it is in a lurverly


End file.
